It's My Life
Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "phyllis7609" journal:
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Some thoughts on our huge loss...|
I see I'm not the only one to come back to LJ. I see a few are posting private thoughts with the recent tragedy. But I totally understand. It's so hard to lose a friend and you need to vent and let it out. And to lose someone to suicide is painful. No closure. Right now our little gang is full of regrets and what-ifs. Personally, I could have been a nicer friend. I wasn't a bad friend or mean or anything like that. But we all knew she was in pain. EXTREME pain. She talked alot about suicide over the last year and was seeing a therapist and was on several medications to get help. But it never seemed to work for her because there was someone in her life that was so cruel, causing her so much pain and she just couldn't get over it. Looking back I could have called or sent little "how are you doing?" emails more often over the years. Odd thing is, over the last month or two, Lisa and I started communicating more than we had over the last 15 years. I knew things with her husband had become REALLY bad so I started sending regular messages asking how she was doing. I even put together a box full of little presents for her. I wish I had taken a photo of it before I mailed it! I called it "a box of sunshine." I bought a bunch of yellow candy, nail polish, a yummy jar candle, shower gel, and a bunch of other little goodies that were yellow. And I even found this awesome card that said something like "I know things are bad but you will find your sunshine again" or something like that. I just sent it to Lisa less than two weeks ago. She told me that getting that box was the first time she smiled in a really long time. I am comforted by the thought that this present brought a minute of joy into her sad life. But on Tuesday night she did the unthinkable and took her own life. She couldn't take the abuse and pain inflicted on her by her terrible, horrible abusive monster of a husband. And I hope he lives the rest of his life knowing he is responsible for her death. Personally I am having a hard time dealing with some delayed grief. Weds night when I told my husband that Lisa had committed suicide, he said "Isn't that your friend from L.A.? You always said you thought she'd kill herself." That was a punch in the gut. That someone my husband never even met would remember her by the fact that I talked about how unhappy this person has been. I have thought about that non-stop for 3 days now. And I feel worse by the hour. I can't stop thinking about it. Even little things are causing me to burst into embarrassing sobs, like last week she changed her profile picture to one of her wearing these new sunglasses that Sarah picked out for her. I saw the photo and thought "god she looks so fucking cute in this picture!" But I never said anything. I just kept scrolling through my updates. Why the hell didn't I take 5 seconds to tell her how adorable she looked? It's my own insecurities that keeps me from doing things like that. I'm always worried that someone will think I'm being weird or whatever if I say stuff like that. Now I wish I would have just TOLD HER.
Oy it feels good to vent here in near-privateness. Sometimes FB is too much. Too much phoniness, assholes and fluff at times. 90% of the time it's fun but that 10%. Ugh. People are such fucking liars on there. And I have fallen out with a close friend who has stepped so far over the line and it hurts so much I can barely breathe- there is no going back and it's stressful to "see" this person on a daily basis as we run with the same crowd. I can be in my own head here with only a few people that I share it with. Most people have abandoned their LJs though. God I am a narcissist. Not only do I have this LJ account but I also have FB, twitter and a Blogspot journal. No one gives a shit about another persons thoughts THAT much. ;-) But in my defense the Blogspot is my baking/business blog so I'm not *too* bad. :o)
Ugh, well it's almost midnight. I have rambled on. I'm sure I'll read this in the morning, be horrififed and delete or edit it...
|OMG John, yes, yes, YES!!!!!!!!!!!!|
|Oh man what a weekend! I got a whole lot of NOTHING done. I had all kinds of stuff we needed to catch up on and none of it got done. Well I did get a bit of the kids laundry folded and put away, but now there's a new load of their stuff in the washing machine that will need to go in the dryer, then folded, then put away... I'm guessing it won't get done tonight. :-0 I wanted to clean the house, catch up on MY laundry, work on my blog that I haven't touched since I started my job, etc. I will have to play catch-up this week I guess.|
The job is going great. I really like it! And the kids seem to like me too. I was late to class one day and the teacher told me the kids were all worried that I wasn't going to come. I think they are all good kids and I really enjoy working with them. There are two new boys that just came from Honduras and Guatemala and neither speak a word of English! So I work with them during 6th hour. I took two YEARS of Spanish in college and didn't retain a bit of it. :-/ We sit with our laptops and communicate with Google translate. :o) It's amazing how quickly they are learning.
In Tanner and Tallulah news... Everything is going well for my kids in school. We did switch Tanner to another kindergarten teacher. We had specifically requested that he NOT get a particular teacher because she is a yeller. Tanner just doesn't respond well to yelling (plus who wants their kid's first year of school to be spent getting yelled at???). The principal tries to prove a point and puts him in there anyway and tells us that he thinks he'll do fine. Well... it didn't go fine. Tanner would come home upset every day from school because it scared him when his teacher yelled at kids. He didn't get yelled at himself (he's a quiet kid who just sits there and doesn't say peep) but it worried him to see other kids get yelled at. He kept asking if he could have another teacher so after a three week trial I told Mr. Dunn that we wanted him to be moved. It's been like night and day- when I drop him off at school he doesn't even look back at me, he just happily marches into school. Before, he would cry every morning and say he didn't want to go. Don't get me wrong- the other teacher is a good teacher, she just has a very LOUD style and has a very biting sarcastic sense of humor. I've had friends who have had her for their kids and they love her. So everyone is different I guess.
I am gearing up for hosting bunco in October. I am excited! The only downside is it's the FIRST thursday of the month so I have to get all my decorations out and ready next weekend. All the girls know how crazy I am about Halloween and they are all excited to see my decorations. :o) I wanted to get some stuff out this weekend but I thought that getting Halloween decorations out this early would be like eating lunch at 10:30am. It just wasn't reasonable. I am just going to serve breadsticks, crackers and breads with dips and spreads (and of course a whole counter full of booze). There is a fancy gourmet/import grocery in South Bend where I will get my breads/crackers from. Now I just need to come up with dips! Of course I will do my blue cheese dip but other than that, I can't think of anything. Any suggestions????
Not much else to report. I did this HUUUUUUUGE announcement that I was going on this major diet/excercise kick about two weeks ago. Well... I am still waiting to get started. *blush* I did some killer workouts and ate lots of lean proteins and went easy on the carbs... for the first two days. I am still working out here and there. I speedwalk/jog from my house all the way into town in the time I have before work. It's a good distance and it's ALL hills. But it's not consistent therefore I am seeing NO results.
I had an internet encounter today that gave me flashbacks to Lizard King circa 1999. I post on a message board and sometimes I let the mod irritate me. I really shouldn't because it's not a big deal at all but I guess I was in a mood today and posted a gripe that honestly, I should have kept to myself. Of course some twatty troll comes along and says something trollish. I wasn't online to see her original post but she picked a fight with a girl who defended me. It was sooooo stupid. I should have just ignored the whole thing and told her:
But I didn't. Instead I appologized. But I wasn't very nice about it- I appologized "for making her act like an asshole." LOL, I shouldn't have said that but I guess I was in a mood and was irritated that she jumped in on something that had nothing to do with her personally. I was going to ask if she was "Lava Lamp Lady" but I didn't. ;-)
ALright, Boardwalk Empire started and I see that i have mised the first 20 minutes of it. Gotta go!
|I am excited! I am starting my new job tomorrow. After being off work for eight years to raise my kids, I am going back to work. It is a part-time job at the junior high. I will be an aide there. I will be helping in the language arts area and of course doing lunch duty (ugh). I'll be working with the kids that aren't reading at the level they should be. I love that I will be working while my kids are in school and done when they are done, off on the same holiday breaks as they are, etc. I am a bit sad, as I mentioned on my facebook page, because my youngest starts kindergarten tomorrow. These milestones are coming and going so quickly. :o( Where does time go???? Tanner looks like such a big boy now it's crazy! Where is my BABY???? :o) |
Tallulah asked me to make some cookies for her to bring to her teacher on the first day. Brown-nosing already... I LOVE IT! :o) I am making the "award winning" chocolate chip cookies with pudding and toasted walnuts in them. I HATE chocolate chip cookies with walnuts but the person that gave me the recipe said to roast the walnuts first and it makes a world of difference. I don't like to screw with a recipe the first time I try it so I went ahead and made them like she instructed and THEY ARE AWESOME! So these will go to her teacher and Tanner's teacher in a little bag tomorrow. :o)
On another note, tomorrow starts a new chapter for me. Along with the new job I am also starting to take care of ME again. This last year has been a year of stress and very difficult choices. Along with all that, I really let myself go. I stoped working out, stopped eating well, and stopped getting enough sleep. Seriously, I would go for weeks at a time getting 5 or so hours a sleep at night. I'd drag myself around all day (too tired to work out, too tired to prepare healthy meals) then start the cycle all over again the next night. So starting tomorrow I am giving up diet pop. I am going back to drinking fucktons of water all day. I swear my hair, skin and nails look like shit now and I KNOW it's because I drink gallons of diet coke and some days absolutely NO water. My insides are probably pickled by now. I am going back to MEAL PLANNING. My kids and I deserve nutritious and well thought out meals- not just what I throw together because "Oh shit it's 5:00 what can I throw together in 10 minutes?!?" Also starting up a workout routine. I MISS THAT SO MUCH!!!! I miss the way I feel after a killer workout. I remember being in the basement for hours because I was having such a good burn and Reid would have to come down and make me stop. :o) And don't even get me started on how fat I got this year. Oh my gosh I am so ashamed of how I look right now. I look awful. I feel awful. I owe it to myself to take care of me.
So... be looking out for updates on my progress!!!!
Alright, time to get these kids in the bath. Tomorrow is the big day!!!!!
Current Mood: content
|Yipes. I was reading through my old LJ entires and now I am REALLY depressed. I can't believe how hard I worked at losing all that weight two summers ago. It wasn't "hard" I guess. It was rather quick and easy- work out for an hour a day and eat lots of lean protein and tons of veggies. It was literally that "easy." But with Reid being gone for the last year, it has been pretty stressful and I had fallen back into old habits. Being with the kids 24/7 meant by the time I put them to bed I was so fucking exhausted that there was no way I could go do a high intensity workout. And it also meant that I was too tired to make a separate meal for myself. I look (and feel) pretty disgusting. Reid resigned from his job in May and he was back home for good the beginning of July. He kept saying that he'd have me down 20 pounds by the end of July. Well, July came and went and I not an ounce was lost. I wish I had the encourangement from him that I had the first time around. I know I should encourange myself but it was nice having someone around to tell me "good job!" "keep it up!" "don't forget to go for your run!" "Don't eat that pizza, have a salad instead!" Now he just doesn't give a shit about anything having to do with me. Don't let your spouse take a job that will separate you for a year. It will kill your marriage.|
God I am such a debbie downer today. I'm sure by the end of the day I will be hitting the delete button hardcore. It just feels good right now to get all this out.
|Wow it's been a long time since I updated! I just had to get away from facebook and all the people bitching about the DD tour. We all knew at spring time there would be a big fall tour so why is everyone bitching about not having "time" to save up for it? It's hard to be excited about something that everyone is complaining about. Plus it also reminds me of the fact that the one fun person who I used to travel around to see these shows with "back in the day" is now gone. I have no one to go to these concerts with anymore. I missed the last 3 or 4 tours because I just got out of them for awhile. Now my kids are older and I thought I was excited about getting back into the fray, but I have no one to go with now. I'm mad at myself for shelling out the money for that stupid fanclub last week so I could get presale tickets. I wish I would have realized BEFORE the fact that I wouldn't be going. Yes I am being a bitter Betty. Yes I am feeling sorry for myself. That is what LJ is for! :-)|
In other news... my brother and his wife are having a baby. They are due in December. I am excited for them! It will be fun to have a new baby in the family. The only downside is that Beth is VERY close to her family and doesn't really have too much to do with us. Not that she doesn't like us but she has three sisters that she is extremely close to and they all have THEIR families. They spend a lot of time together so we rarely see my brother as it is. I asked my brother a couple of times about doing a baby shower with her sisters. Beth and my brother are EXTREMELY generous with my kids. They are always around for my children's birthdays and give them tons of Christmas presents, etc. So I wanted to help with a shower to repay all the generosity and kindness. Well my brother finally called me back last night and told me that Beth's mom is planning a shower and they (my bro and Beth) don't want me to go in with her. I mean, I don't really know her family but I had offerend to help with money for the shower since it IS my brother and I just wanted to be part of it. But my brother thinks that her family is weird and it would be way too awkward for us to do something together. So... I am disappointed. He said that maybe I could do something for our side of the family. (fyi, we have no family). I made the mistake of calling my mom to tell her and she just runs away with it "WHAT?!?!? SO THEY DON'T WANT US TO COME TO THEIR SHOWER?!?!?" Um, no mom they didn't want me to work with her family on it. It has nothing to do with you being invited to it. "A MOTHER IS NOT SUPPOSED TO HOST A SHOWER!!!!!! IT'S JUST LIKE BEGGING FOR GIFTS!!!!! *MY* FRIENDS WOULD *NEVER* APPROVE OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT!!!! IN MY DAY A NON-FAMILY MEMER *NEVER* THREW A SHOWER!!!!" I a beginning to understand why they come around to our family gatherings so seldom...
Current Mood: disappointed
|This is giving me the LOLS!|
Current Mood: amused
We're having a Labor Day party. I need some ideas for something differnt to make. I'm tired of making the same old stuff every time. What do you make for parties? We're having grilled pork chops, burgers and Ohio Duran's chicken wing recipe. What sides should I make??
|Alert! Tig, go here RIGHT NOW:|
(it's work-safe if your work allows you to look at Hugh's butt crack)
|Well, ask and ye shall receive and stuff. The website added a new photo.|
Current Mood: giggly
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